Modern Motherhood and the Cycle of Guilt: Why the System is Broken

Mona Stenseth, a mother of two, artist, columnist, and therapist, is challenging the societal expectations placed on parents. She describes the current environment as a “sick culture” that pressures parents into an unrealistic and inhuman lifestyle.

Stenseth’s critique gained significant traction after a Facebook post regarding the daycare debate reached over half a million people. She argues that the conversation should move beyond whether one-year-olds should attend daycare and instead focus on the systemic frameworks of family life.

Beyond the Daycare Debate

According to Stenseth, the current discourse is too narrow, often splitting parents into two camps: those who love their children and those who “give them away” at the first opportunity. She believes this framing ignores the actual pressures parents face.

Stenseth describes a systemic conflict where parents are expected to “work as if we don’t have children, and be parents as if we don’t have a job.” This creates a relentless demand to manage careers, finances, and children’s emotional development simultaneously.

The Cycle of Double Guilt

A central theme of Stenseth’s critique is the “double guilt” experienced by mothers. She notes that staying home can lead to feelings of failing one’s finances or pension, while sending a child to daycare can feel like failing the child.

“On the job I was she who left early. In the nursery I was she who came late. It is a rather genial system, actually, if the goal is double guilt,” Stenseth writes.

Reflecting on her time as a graphic designer in Oslo fifteen years ago, she recalls the “mom-shame-look” from other parents at daycare and the “already-leaving-look” from colleagues at work. This pressure creates a state of “day shift, evening shift, and night shift in the same nervous system.”

Systemic Failures and Structural Needs

Stenseth clarifies that her criticism is not directed at daycare centers, many of which she describes as being filled with warm, skilled adults. Instead, she targets a society where the “time squeeze” has become the norm.

She argues that the focus on individual “maternal choice” overlooks critical structural factors. These include housing prices, work hours, pension systems, daycare staffing, and the lack of support networks for many families.

Potential Future Shifts

If the public discourse follows Stenseth’s suggestions, the conversation may shift toward the conditions of care rather than just the timing of daycare entry. This could lead to a broader discussion on how to ensure “real freedom” for parents.

Future discussions may focus on the necessity of financial independence for women, as Stenseth argues that true freedom is not found in being “economically owned by a man” or working until one becomes ill. A possible next step for society could be the re-evaluation of pensions for care work and adjusted work hours.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does Mona Stenseth mean by a “sick culture”?
She refers to a society that pressures parents into a lifestyle that is not truly human, requiring them to balance extreme professional and parental demands without adequate structural support.

What is the “double guilt” described in the article?
It is the simultaneous feeling of failing at work for leaving early to care for children, and failing as a parent for arriving late to daycare or sending a child to care.

What structural issues does Stenseth believe should be discussed?
She suggests focusing on economy, work hours, housing prices, pensions for care work, and the staffing levels in daycare centers.

How do you balance professional expectations with family needs in today’s society?